beyondtoday

I'm finally here. And I hate to see the time I last blogged was 30 weeks ago. Ten months, I went into a refuge. I withdrew from the virtual society. The games, the people, and those friends I mixed with over the one year or two in some online games. So sorry, blogging was one passion I left too, partly because of my computer which is still rotting from time to time. There're really too many many things I have to leave unsaid. Because I lost my trails too, and I'm choosing not to be reminded of how I wasted my time.

At this point of time, I have the headset plugged listening to the works of various top DJs in a cybercafe in Malaysia, KL. I'm really fortunate this time, to have make it here without being robbed ( yet ) and witnessing the splendid night view of the Petronas Twin Towers last night. To think that I'll be able to see the icon of my home country only when I'm 20, I hope that's not too late anyway, my cousin said she first saw it when she's 24. A really patriotic feeling overwhelmed me last night, standing like an ant in front of the gigantic towers, feeling proud of Malaysia. Kualu Lumpur is really very 'chim'. One can really lose his way if he isn't equipped with a map.

It's been a month since I left Zouk. So far things have been getting real well. I have more time to visit home, to enjoy and relax. Just a few days back when I was in SG, I realised that I also enjoy afternoons. In the past I thought the only time I have to enjoy the quietness is during the night. But then it was so wrong. It was until that sunday afternoon when I was waiting for Jing Xiang that I realised that every single minute of the time is beautiful. Wonderful moments, pitiful life. Time is short, I don't know when will my life end too..




This is for you Uncle.

You know, I miss you a lot. It's soon a month close since you left. Over these years, I haven't been talking to you like when I was young. I merely addressed you aloud " Jiu Jiu!" when I see you. Then you will be , like always , asking why I don't play basketball, don't swim anymore, when will my school be ending and all sorts. When you were around, I hated those questions. Because Jiu Jiu, I always felt I'm not worth your attention anymore, I strayed and I got lost in those swivelling paths of being a good and bad kid. I'm sure you've always doted everyone, especially me, around you. That explains the full house during your wake. People were swimming in like every one in town had to be there to see you off. I was really proud, I have the best uncle in this world. A thrifty uncle who drove the first and the last vehicle you bought. The only one who acted like a parent to the students of all in the school. The silly uncle who always smile and laugh things off. I've never seen you angry before, except for the occasional lectures you gave to me. The pain in me is still as agonising as when I knew you will be gone. After this 44 years, you collapsed surprisingly. You were an avid player of all sports. You never showed off, you never said no. What I wanted, you gave them to me. The little me was always under your care when you brought me to country club, and every night without fail, you ordered my favourite dishes just to make me happy, even though its tough on your budget. I really miss seeing that jeep you drove, and everytime on the road, you will be horning in response to other vehicles. The whole town knows and loves you. Me too. I regretted not visiting you when you were sick at home and when I was in Malaysia. It was just a 10 minute trip on bicycle, but I succumbed to the torturing weather, thinking that I shan't disturb your rest at home. I sincerely hope you will be able to read this now, but you aren't here anymore.. Thank you for being a kind person, not to only me but all who knows you. It's more than a sad pity that you're gone, because I wouldn't enjoy being in Malaysia without seeing you, without hearing that same old ring tone of your handphone. The same handphone you joked about it being to crack the shell of crabs that time. Years ago.. You haven't changed since the moment I can recognise you. And so do my love for you , Jiu Jiu. Rest in peace..

Guess what! I'm fcuking bored with LJ now *wide grins* and that is when I don't even blog much these days. I have nothing to blog about, and fairly is because sometimes I'm afraid readers may classify me as ugly bloggers because I myself have came over a few, sad to say in the circle of my friends. Ok maybe not friends. Just some people out there. I've always told myself to stop blogging but I'm afraid my English will be left to rust... 

Oh yes I was talking about ugly bloggers wasn't I? And I've discovered this trend, normally found in ladies. They'd love pasting one whole chunk of cum-stained conversation with their boyfriends and normally ending with sentences like " love you so much " , " hate you so much you are so BLA BLA BLA ". I mean, okay there's certainly no faults with expressing your love through your online journal but then, how about hatred? Why will ladies list the hundred and twenty three ugly things their boyfriends do and ta da , the whole world knows about it. And again , NORMALLY, the female friends of the female blogger will tend to be supportive and say things like " oh damm you are in such deep shit" and of course nonsensical words of sympathy plus support without even asking the blogger " if your boyfriend makes you so pissed off and has 123 weaknesses that you don't like, why are you with him ? "

Then Shakespeare will take over the mind of the lady blogger and say " but he has 124 strengths, and I love him for the extra strength he has over his weakness ". If so, still, why bother listing it out ? -.-

Just imagine how hard a fuss ladies will kick up when their boyfriends post something like this...

BF to his buddies : Man , my girl like grinding my head with her teeth, she is such a noob in giving BJs that my dick becomes limp even though I didn't have sex for a month !
Buddies : Make her learn that we , men, has the largest diamonds in this world lah.
BF : No use one lah she just sucks big time on bed.

To my dearest GF , please go watch some porn and learn to be good on bed can ?!


Sometimes , it's just so mind-puzzling when the opposite gender just complain about the other without reflecting on themselves. It's 2008 already and I'm surprised ladies are still still complaining about their men instead of proving us wrong by letting us see you soar in the sky even without us.




And I think I've become one ugly blogger this minute.

I must , I must admit that I'm getting old. Friends I've known in JYSS changed with a large margin. I'm getting old, because I'm thinking about making $500k per month. Life like that is not the least great, it just makes you thirst for a Lambor  to possess. And of course, I've been more than being on the ninth cloud that I'm attached after 2 lonesome years. I haven't been using the computer recently, not even having sufficient time to have a quickie over a short clip. The worst thing is , I'm not busy.

That's very hong gan.

Feelings have been cold and sleepin'
When the nights suppressed the thoughts waitin'
And the graceful ambience kept my longin'
Among the echoes I heard you callin'


749 days later I stop weepin'
750th day the sea of sorrows swiped out,
and broke into a eclipse during the night on the 751th day
the darkness had me engulfed and walking
strolling under the sky of chaos finding,
the bitterness of my past memories I locked them sleeping.

On the 752th I see loneliness tearing,
driven by the awakening dawn to vanish
beyond the horizon line.
I prayed for this to be of a lifetime
May this moment be drawn by a painter
With the dripping blood on my finger I sign
Letting the red traces dry under the magnificent sun.

When 753th day came you were sashaying
with those waves that hit the shore
and with the song they seemed to call
I was on the end of that coast with my hands behind my back,
putting the past behind my time,
watching you walk towards me along the sea,
smiling, waving at me.


754th day a lapse of moments with the sunlight.
Your floating scent wards the darkness of this lovely night,
A scene not to be missed by the painter's sight,
dragging our feet walking side by side,
holding all my wishes and dreams in your hands,
Today I knew you for the second time.
In this we will stay in this way until we will have nothing to say.
Another moment I wish for to last for a lifetime.
Wishing for the night to cast a welcome to my third day with you.

When I was young I hope to catch a star with my hands.
When I grew up, I realised it was a dream I began.
While I was young I loved the moon because I was afraid it would cut off my tongue if I'd lied.
When I grew up, I still love the moon, but for it's gorgeous sight.
Now that I'm a grown up, all I ask for is a friend like you who is in my gorgeous dream ;always by my side



How have you been till date?
Things were so perfect that yesterday,
but love halted with the things I said.
I thought you'd be okay,
yet I'm still sobbing upon the bed I lay,
with a lonesome look at the scattered stars I gazed.
Unbearable pain as a price to pay,
I know we didn't began for this ending today.
I'm still longing for you, come what may ; until my dying day


I shall haste this comeback for what you've missed from dating many days ago. See you again, on a full-moon night.

I owe livejournal an answer. I owe myself one too. It took me , yet another 2 weeks to post. Was it because of me, or was it that the moon didn't show itself for so many days in my life? I've been thinking hard, what shall I write the next time I decide to log in. I did harbour thoughts of ending this thing all together. I don't write my unhappiness out like " I had a quarrel with my mother , she is BLA BLA BLA " because that's damn fcuking childish and people shouldn't bring their family / friends to such a low level. People who blog like that are losers who are yearning for sympathy " Oh man what happened to you ? Poor you for having such a mum! " I just write hoping I can share my little bit to people who tend to get so screwed up with having some problems. I told you all to study I tol tad you all to share to learn to love and to cherish. I'm so sorry I don't know these virtues yet, all I know is tolk. So there isn't much use of me having a blog. Or rather, no meaning.

Sorry but I don't take that and I don't do that. I hated and I loved before , there should be privacy afterall, even though how much you hate that someone. Just imagine after a break up and the guy complains about his ex-girlfriend saying " man her BJ skills sucks ! " That's something I deem respect. Anyway why am I bothering about such ? Lol , I'm still thinking if I should stop blogging , and I should learn that there are more ugly bloggers out there.


Like always, choices are hard to come at. And they can be wrong, and some wrongs results in a train of ugly matters, they can't be erase. I didn't know to cherish people around me years ago, and when I did it's too late. And it was just month ago before I hurt someone again. It's a torment, a violent one. That mistake etched and graved so deep I'm immune to what's happening now. There are gains and losses. There's pain and joy all coming to you at the same time that your life looks like a dream. Especially when you wander in the darks wondering what is coming next , who will you meet ? What will you be in the near future and who will and not be there for you ? Who are your friends where are you ? Who captured your heart who have you gave your heart too ? Who made you feel the pain who make you cried? At the end of the road you ask yourself this , " who am I? "


It's still better to soar with the wind. Let nature takes its own course.

Two weeks. It took me two weeks of a pause to muster my courage to post again. And these two weeks I have been watching TVs, going after the news closely to find out what is the reason of me blogging. It wasn't simple at all, and I am truthfully thankful to the unbearable emotions that was found , or not, growing inside of me. Especially having a row with the people who have been suppressing my words, who made me love the night more instead of the day when I feel a different sense of home since years ago.

And fortunately this isn't a post to answer for what I said or did that night, but to make things clear before I carry on blogging. I'm indebted to this blog. Be it how many visitors I have a day, even if there's not more than a single soul, this is where I love to write in. Where I pour my thoughts in in a way not easily deciphered, where it gets too wordy and friends tells me they get lazy reading. Which is good, because I don't need people to read, I just need a diary to tell my world to others who will , one day, uncover and understand if I happen to be involved in a fearful accident and die the next day. This is the space I need after becoming into a totally changed person in my family's eyes, this is the place where I get to share what is right or wrong from what I experienced in my 19 years of life. Even though it isn't a lapse of decades after another, I believe my maturity allows me to teach and share about lessons learned, so that everyone stands to benefit and not be a person like me in time to come. This page has become to be a brimless glass where water will never overflow.

I would leave this livejournal to rot, I could stop myself from coming to this posting page..

But that's if I find no more space of freedom for stories I can tell in this journal of mine.

Spent a few good days working at Singtel's roadshow. And was pretty glad with myself, for taking it seriously though it was only part-time. At the same time, my circle of friends got bigger. The people who complained about the system together and sat down together for a rest over a stick of cigarette. With our heads down on the floor , then looking up at each other and shook our heads in unison and say " Oh man break is over soon! ".

The feeling is really special, because I don't work for money. And I don't encourage that mindset for any friends who are working now. Working is a process of moulding one's attitude to discipline oneself in the near future. It may or not be the case for everyone, but to me, it seems to be a better way of getting the better in my life. That is really when monetary terms can never be sufficient for lessons of life.

Anyway, I've been searching for things to do. What things are they, I'm not sure. But just - anything. I can be said to be having somewhat close to stagnant life. Especially when I lost enthusiasm in precisely everything. 

Life is sometimes like a tattoo. What appears beautiful on the bodies , bears a reason behind these colouful arts. It's just like our memories, what was nice , what was unpleasant , they are all etched in mind with obstructing difficulties to erase them away. Ask people who have tattoos why they painted their bodies, and they will point to each and every drawing telling you what was the reason that made them have to the corresponding tattoo. Some stories are ugly , while some touch you deep in heart. Similar to our memories, which are heartfelt ones , which are the agonizing pains - we all remember.

I didn't know I haven't posted for so long. But anyway , I feel really lifeless.

Ok, half of my day is spent online. What's next? The clouds are grey , spelling another short rain. That will be good, I'm feeling very calm now, with a pouring rain will be wonderful. I don't mind a nap ( hopefully one which doesn't brings me to wee hours ), I don't mind stepping out of my house to somewhere. I just want to do something far different from my routine.

Mum asked if I coughed down any medicine that makes me not sleep throughout the night only until the day. Today is different, today I am thinking if Mum mixed any medicine with her cooking that I slept at the very early 4a.m and woke up at 8a.m. Both are nice. Either sleeping time , be it 4p.m in the day or 4a.m but waking up at 8a.m are nice. I still get to see the morning sun, I see many faces of people at the coffeeshop. I see how frantically people rush for the bus, I see students all marching to school with those damm-I-need-one-hour-more-of-sleep look ; which reminds me of those naughty school days. I see people jogging , sashaying in around the park. I smell that fresh scent of grass not everyone gets. I brushed my feet against the patches of green and I feel droplets of dew. I get everything the rest of my buddies don't , that's why I don't like missing the night plus morning now. I just want a lapse of time I don't have to see so many people. But Wendy is special ,I want to see her very much because we are supposedly to have a meal together since last year. I think she's too occupied with school work that she's still living in 2007. Right Wendy?

A random thought seeded into my mind for the past few days. A few memorable flashbacks appeared. And I've been wondering how am I going to blog about it. And it was only yesterday morning, when I walked to the coffeeshop nearby and had my breakfast alone , that I managed to bring myself to my rotting livejournal today ; after another breakfast by myself.

Last year's birthday I had was the most special of all. It was spent in a foreign place, with the foreign people who latter became the people I look up to. Schoolmates and I were busy tucking in to a Pizza buffet, which I have yet to see any in Singapore. And that night was when I turned 18.

Now I'm 18 , I feel like I'm turning 19 soon, though it's still more than half another year to go. Been complaining that I feel really old recently, and now I know why. I suddenly came to understand that 18years , these 18 years ; it's not that long compared to adulthood, but yet it's a long throw from childhood. Stucked in between that two periods , not to deem it long , nor short. But when I looked back , it's a train of memories, happenings which got me on falls , and motivations that got me back on my feet.

In education wise, I've long resigned to fate as I'm satisfied with the grades I achieved in ITE. And it's due to that fact which zapped me back to the days in Secondary School, with often regrets that I didn't put as much effort as I do now back then. I've been smiling whenever I think about the playful self I portrayed to everyone so openly that my attendance in school can be pretty much predictable by my classmates. I may be there the session before recess , and gone after that. Or to not appear in school for the whole day, but later on seen sitting under the blocks opposite school after school time. It's worth reminiscing afterall , though that attitude is unforgivable. But it's still no help realising it now, except to refine on myself.

While in the aspect of friendship , I've never been lacking of it. In fact, acquaintances become friends, while friends becomes better ones. The few people are still buddies like always. The usual people who will ring each other up everyday without fail , seemingly to die if we don't get to see each other for a day. I'm glad to have them , from the start till now. They are the people who stood up with my nonsense, sometimes unreasonable temper and shouts, but place a pat on my shoulder and tell me everything will be alright. A clique I will never do enough to show my gratitude. Especially Ivan. I just woke him up from his deeply engrossed slumber anyway. Well..

There's stir of mixed , complicated feelings in me now. It's somewhat putting a smile of gladness on my face, and maybe telling me even if I'm dying the next moment , I will die with no regrets. But I want to earn my first million first leh! So put that death thing away. All in all , make full use of your time. In a good or bad way, enjoy what you do.

Don't keep working on making the right decision, make the decision right. How well said. There are so many things we do in a day, be it a one-time or routinely, we have to learn to like it and respect ourselves and others with the things we do. Just a random flashback of my childhood, and got to realise that the wrong things we do can never be canceled by a stroke of caning on our hands, like what our parents did when we erred.

The young days are always occupying my best beautiful moments in my life. Being reliant on bicycle which took me to places I've never been before, and doing things I wasn't taught to do. Plain cycling with a group of friends, be it with the childhood friends and cousins who grew up with me in Msia or the clique I befriended during my secondary school life, made me opened my eye to the world with a lot of different experiences. From going down the drain to catch fishes to cycling to Bedok Jetty, to places our parents never allowed us to go. Those were the willful days.

But now, every path you choose to walk or to even cycle across has its own consequences. Some paths brings you to success, while others bring you down, more lowdown than ever. To choose the correct path, correct yourself.

I suddenly feel old . -______-

I had many to say that day.

Suddenly and randomly posting. Else my LJ will rot. It's been pouring cats and dogs recently bringing the cold wind, which in turn brings the leaves off trees. I just remembered the few days spent in Msia during CNY , and that bloody injuries I brought back to SG back then. Now it seems like years long passed CNY fever, and still as usual, rushing to meet Time to make the best of it. It's March already. Maybe with few more posts you will be seeing " 2009 is arriving " at my LJ. No wonder every man is grumbling about time. Comes too fast, and passes fast too. Then again it's still within our control to decide how are we going to spend every minute of the day, usefully or not.

I turned in exceptionally early last night, and while I was greeting my friends goodnight they actually asked why so early though it was already minutes to 2am. So I think I woke up early enough today, at 11am. Went to spend some time with the same usual group of buddies and I was actually tired already when I got home. But surprisingly I didn't manage to sleep despite lying on the bed and closing my eyes , enjoying the silence for an hour. What a sad case. Anyway, I can't wait for exams to be over, so I can find a part-time job to make myself a bit busier than usual. Ivan and I was yawning and yawning yesterday night when we met. He said it's because we have too much time to spend. True. Sometimes I wished my dad isn't rich enough to own a house and to see us for our education. So I can work to make a living myself. Home's comfortable and I don't have any worries for money , and I'm suffering now. Mom's away and I'm out to play !

I think I need a holy break. I don't know why my mind becomes blank whenever I see the space to type my post , when few minutes back I was feeling so keen on posting. There's nothing much to say actually , it's still the same old thing, life's fine. Just that school is a bit more packed and busy then usual due to coming tests and exams, and I have to say I really love it because I haven't been studying proper muwahaha. My exams is a short 2 weeks later, I thought I had to pray to achieve good results until I saw this saying " It's no use doing what you like, like what you do," as Yuan Pei's MSN nick. Everytime I open my MSN window I feel totally blessed, it's as if I have two saints out there , one being Mr Gabriel and another one Yuan pei , leading me to success and to having positive attitude in Life with their MSN nicks. This is something you have to envy me for. Mr Gabriel one is ' In Life, don't focus on trying to make the right decision ; instead, work on making the decision right ' .